The Year Of The Earth Pig

Today is the 19th of July. According to the Chinese zodiac, it is the Year of the Pig, an Earth Pig Year which started on the 5th of February, and ends on January 24, 2020. The Chinese zodiac is according to twelve years. They are as follows- rat, ox, tiger, rabbit, dragon, snake, horse, goat, monkey, rooster, dog and pig. So basically, everyone born in the same year has the same zodiac sign. Also, the Chinese have 5 elements. Theirs are different from the rest of the world- air, water, fire, wood and metal (generally gold). So, a year is an elemental zodiac year, and each element lasts for 12 continuous years, one per zodiac. The next Year of the Metal (Golden) Rat is 2020. You people can calculate the rest from the given information.

But why am I writing about this year? It’s been only a few weeks since I started this blog. I wanted to provide interesting, yet though-provoking and possibly humorous reads. I haven’t achieved any of those goals. All that I have done is getting over my laziness and diffidence, and quitting stalling and procrastination. But I think that that is the first step to achieving anything- to simply just start, with zero expectations and infinite passion.

More than half the year is already done. Time flies faster and faster each day. It’s like I always say, it’s almost as if time is time-traveling. It feels like I haven’t achieved much since this year started. I think I actually got into a lot more negative things. But I’m going to stand strong, like a banyan tree in a gale. No one is going to uproot my spirit. If they try to pull me down, I’ll show them up. If they block my path, I’ll keep turning up of different ones. After all, how many can they muster up. I’ve got to act like I’m invincible and omnipresent. Eventually, they’ll give up and give in. Or, if their forces multiply, it’ll still piss them off as they can’t seem to deter or crush me. Either way, I win. Winning the battle is not important; winning the war is.

There was a time in my life when I was in desperate need of motivation. Things seemed to go wrong all the time. I listened to quite a few songs on repeat just to give me strength. I was at a point where I either had really strong opinions about something, or no opinions at all, as I didn’t commit myself to something without knowledge. Never at a moderate stage. As time progressed however, I started realising, more than ever, how inadequate I was. I already felt like a nobody. Now, that growing feeling started feeding off my insecurity and eating up my insides, initially in small bites, then huge chunks.

Music helped me feel a little better. But earlier this year, some part of the beasts inside, who I thought I’d managed to chain and subdue, came alive, and started rebelling. My music wasn’t helping me anymore, I thought. I listened to more songs, in various genres I’d never dared to explore before. I even went beyond English and chanced upon BTS. Why they never showed up under motivational music, I don’t know. I knew they were popular, and I got caught up in a frenzy of the multiple channels on YouTube which were exclusively dedicated to them. My first song in k-pop was As If It’s Your Last by BlackPink, which was introduced to me by acquaintances who were into k-pop. As I listened to that song multiple times, YouTube recommended their other songs. Some I liked, some I didn’t. I listened to those which I found interesting.

How would YouTube stop there? Videos of BTS were recommended next. I was determined not to listen to their music at first, only cheering myself up with the video compilations made by their fans. But slowly, I decided to try out certain songs of theirs by humming the tunes I heard in these videos to a friend of mine, who was their ardent fan. And needless to say, I was hooked onto their music. It only got better and better. Every other k-pop band who I listened to before and after dulled in comparison, though I didn’t forget to explore the genre further. But after multiple bands and soloists later, I would still continue to listen to them along with the others. Maybe I can’t consider myself to be a member of the ARMY, as I’m not a fan enough, but their music gave me strength.

But music wasn’t the only thing I explored further this year. I became a less talkative person and discovered my true personality. Had I always been this introverted? Maybe. I had only spoken to people with a purpose, nothing just casual, and most conversations had made me want to be anywhere else but there. I wrote more and more, pouring everything I felt and thought onto paper and laptop, as I didn’t want to forget anything. I walked around aimlessly and cycled around at night, alone, with my headphones. I didn’t read as much as I wanted to, because all of this cut into my reading time. I felt guilty, and borrowed books. I didn’t want to give up the one habit which made me who I am today. I’ll elaborate.

When I was 3, my mother would always get complaints from school about my inability to speak in English. I was mocked and looked down upon, even though I was an intelligent kid, because I wasn’t proficient in the language. My mother was determined to prove something to them, that I could be as good, maybe better. She and my dad didn’t know enough English to teach me, so my mother took me to several libraries in the hope of inculcating good reading habits, so that I could improve my English. She did that with Hindi and Tamil later on. And with the help of several libraries, and one very supportive mother, I became satisfactory, decent, better, even better, excellent to the very best in English at school, writing, speaking, understanding and exams combined.

It was worth everything, once you think about it, because otherwise, I wouldn’t have had the overpowering desire to write more and more and more or to develop a style of my own. And this Earth Pig Year, I have written more than in any other year. I’ve finally been firm on myself and started a YouTube channel and blog. What I managed to do this year, I would have never dreamed of. I also decided to start learning as many languages as I can, as I’m very interested in them. I’ve tried my best to at least set foot into all that I wanted to do. And I want you all to do the same. This year is never coming back. No year is. All my life, I’ve wanted to make a mark, a colourful one, not black. I wanted to make myself more vibrant too. And I think that this is the starting point.

If you ever have doubts about yourself, remember that it is your time now. Your fears will remain fears unless you work to make them afraid of you. I’m just an anonymous voice trying to put my thoughts out in the open because I can’t do it as myself. Hal for a halo, not because I consider myself an angel but because I want to have an aura around me that radiates brightness, hope and my innermost feelings, Marius for strength and undying fires that are within, just like Mars, the God of War and Vivian for vivacity, because I’ve come alive through these pages. Each part of my name has something of significance to me, and hopefully to my readers and viewers. The advantage with conversational writing is that you can be candid and free. But, even then, I keep a sharp look out for anything that could be misinterpreted as a ‘minus’, and thus dig a grave for my identity. It’s all I have to let myself go.

Every day, as I don my mask and robes, hiding myself to stay alive, I feel all my inner people at constant war with each other. Each personality tries to take over, until my birth identity takes charge and dishes out the ‘when’ and ‘who’ of my alter-egos. It is the leader who brings peace and democracy in my soul, which is on the verge of tatters, but heals quickly too. Bit by bit, everyone works together as my feeling of being unsettled finally dies out. I don’t want it to rise up from the dead. All of this has been the fortune this year has brought for me. I wish that the rest of the year will be memorable, and that you guys will strive to make it so.

Best of luck!

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